Living In The Real Moment

“Mighty is He Who Conquers Himself” or similar quotes are usually attributed to Lao Tzu from the Tao Te Ching.  You’ll find Proverbs that are nearly the same and I’d be willing to bet that there’s a country song that tells us the same in a second stanza lyric.  What does it mean?  Slow to anger? Self control? Being able to stand where you are now and be satisfied?  I’m not really sure—but lately it seems to ring in my head several times throughout the day.

The earth has spun around and around and it seems that another birthday is nearly here.  Another year to reflect upon.  To wonder what might have been and to acknowledge what was.  If I didn’t “conquer” myself over the last year, will I manage it this year?

My life has been blessed.  Frankly, I don’t think I even know anyone that could not count themselves as blessed in the big scheme of things.  In this country, most of us live in houses that are too big filled with too many things and throw more food and abundance away in the weekly trash pickup than someone in actual need and hardship has ever seen or managed to acquire at one time.  There is nothing physical to want.  Nothing emotional that is actually needed if the blessings were actually counted.  But do we count them? Are you able to stand where you are now and be satisfied?

We live in a world that is constantly telling us that we need the latest smart phone or the newest electronic gadget.  We need a house with a separate room for every child and a separate car for every driver.  Ballet lessons and soccer, nannies and maids, status handbags and physical trainers.  If you don’t look like the characters on your favorite television shows or dress like the magazines tell you to dress, then you are lacking.  I’ve even realized recently that most conversations are carried on through text messaging.  We’ve even lost the nuance of voicemail messages with friends.  Texting is easier because it’s instantaneous. No having to stop and “listen”—you can text back and forth while sitting with other friends—never having to give anyone your full attention.

We are so overloaded with blessings that we let them conquer us.  These blessings have conquered our memories and moments and we’ve become a population that is spread so thin with passwords and emails and FaceBook and Twitter that we barely know how to be with each other anymore.  I’ve begun to notice that friends that don’t participate in a cyber existence as much as other friends are left behind.  And friends that are really more acquaintances of the past or casual friends in similar social circles are the ones I keep up with more…simply because it is easier.

When the news ran this weekend that a woman in Pontiac, Michigan had been dead for 6 years in her home with no one noticing until her bank account ran out because she had all her bills on auto pay and a nice neighbor continued to cut her lawn and her mail was sent to the post office because she traveled and was sometimes gone for a few weeks, I wondered really what we’ve come to in our world of blessings.

Take a moment and stand still where you are.  Look around.  Is your life filled with moments or is your life filled with false moments recorded electronically?  Are you aware of your actual blessings and those around you? Have you put away the phone and had dinner with friends?  Did you actually see that concert or did you see it through the lens of a camera on your phone?  Are you there or are you making sure everyone in your social media group knows you are there?

My goal for this next year of my life, if I am lucky enough to be granted such, is to conquer myself. To step out more into the world and stop letting computers and smartphones live my life.  To stand still and be satisfied with the moment I am living. It may seem convenient and easy to share my friends and family and life with the assistance of an Apple product, but I’m sure I’m missing so many other things while I’m looking at that screen. 

 Life is not “virtual”, Life is “actual”.

Milestone Anniversaries

When setting up this blog site, I named it “Last Half Love” because of my age and because of coming to love at what would be considered “late” in life.  So, obviously when you have waited patiently (ha!) for something and then achieved it, you must celebrate the day it came into your life.  With that in mind, my husband and I will celebrate the five-year milestone in a few weeks.

For all of you that married young and have had decades of bliss, you may think five years is not much to brag about.  Odds that my marriage will reach its 25th year are low just because of the age factor alone.  Not impossible, but we consider each year (or even each day) a gift and try not to take it for granted the way that someone 25 years old might look at their future.

My life has been an anomaly when it comes to relationships.  Although I dated and knew many interesting, creative, and successful men in my life, I’ve never previously married or even lived with a man before my husband.  I had always lived alone (except for a cat or two) from the age of 23 until our marriage at the age of 48.

Childhood did not provide me with the best example of marriage.  The house I lived in growing up was filled with anger much of the time and joy was limited.  As the oldest, I was often left to be the caretaker and responsible while my parents worked, etc. for my two younger siblings.  For those reasons, I was wary of relationships that might be anything similar to what I grew up with and also never felt the need to have children.  I love my younger sister and brother, but in the big scheme of things, I had babysat for them and for neighborhood kids and felt like I had “done that, been there” and never felt that motherhood was something I needed to do in order to be fulfilled in some way.

All that being said, five years is an important milestone for us. I’ve known my husband for many years and came into this marriage with eyes and heart open.  I believe the same for him.  These five years have filled me with joy and love and an opportunity to grow.  There are a few lessons that I’ve learned that although I believe I knew them before, have realized how critical it was to remember them everyday of our marriage.

Lesson #1:  All In or All Out.  From the moment we were married, our wills, our bank accounts, and our savings—everything—became “ours”.  It was the best decision we ever made.  Especially without children, it was important to lay the foundation for commitment to the union of our lives.  We are responsible to each other in every way possible and have been from the moment we decided to marry.  We grow together and fall together.  No secrets.  I don’t know how anyone considers themselves truly “one” if they have separate bank accounts or a secret stash.  How do you face your goals together if you are figuring out who owes what?  In order to make decisions that affect both of you, you must fully understand that you take from both of you when you write that check or make that investment or buy that toy.

Lesson #2:  Just because you are married does not mean that a smile and a positive attitude are not important.  In other words, don’t save your “happy face” for the outside world.  If it’s really a bad day, let your spouse know and look for support, but if it’s just crummy traffic or some idiot in the grocery store line, suck it up and come home with a smile.  Share the joy and don’t “harsh the mellow” for the non-important stuff.

Lesson #3:  Men are as vain as women when it comes to being told they are handsome and attractive.  It’s important to tell your man that he looks amazing in that pair of jeans and that his new haircut is flattering.  I am incredibly self-conscious about my looks because of being the chubby kid for most of my life.  My husband gives me a positive compliment every day and I admit that I’ve always thought he was great looking and attractive and took for granted that he knew it. And he may, but it’s important that he hears it often from me, his wife.

My sister once told me when I was complaining about a bad boyfriend experience that as she lay in bed earlier that year with the flu (red nose, greasy hair, rumpled pajamas) her husband stopped and smiled at her as he was leaving the room.  She said I asked him “Real pretty, huh?” and his answer was “Yes, you are”.  She then said, “you deserve that kind of love in your life”.  Remember to tell the love in your life how beautiful you think they are every day.  It’s important.

Lesson #4:  The inscription inside our wedding rings says “like scissors” from the Sydney Smith quote “Married couples resemble a pair of scissors, so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.”  We believe that fully.  First and foremost, our responsibilities are to our union.  We chose to be married to each other and we don’t change our focus on that regardless of what others think or say. Those that have tried to step between us or bring strife or conflict or made one or the other of us unhappy or hurt were cut from our lives. He is my family and I am his.  As long as extended family and friends know this and acknowledges it, we welcome them in our lives.

Lesson #5:  Never speak badly about your spouse to anyone ever.  Besides the occasional girl talk about men as a unique creature to us females, everyone knows for sure that I believe my husband is the best thing ever and how much I love him.  No doubt, no question.  To speak badly about your spouse to anyone only reflects on you.  I refer to my husband on the limited social media I participate in as “Handsome Husband” because he doesn’t participate in social media and besides giving him a bit of anonymity; it makes me smile every time I type it.  He refers to me in any conversation phone or otherwise as “The Lovely and Gracious Mrs. Davis”.  It’s a seed that is planted every time it happens and it helps our garden of love continue to flower and grow.

Five lessons for five years are all I have right now.  Hopefully I’ll have ten to share for our ten-year anniversary.  I wish you all love and a future filled with milestone anniversaries.

Old Friends

Recently, I was sharing a quick dinner and conversation with two women I met in line at a busy restaurant. We teamed up our needs to be seated and fed and willingly shared the table. All of us were attending a musical event next door and wanted a quick dinner before the show. This common goal itself was enough to start conversation and get to know a bit about each other. We were already fans of the performer we were about to see and we obviously enjoyed Italian food. What more do you need to spend a little time with someone? Wine, pasta, and song have often been the start of wonderful relationships!

We began with garlic bread and “how do you know each other?” One was a nurse and the other a teacher. They had met in high school 35 years before. Through divorces, children, and all the things that come with life, they had remained friends. Since I was about to join a friend at the event that I had known since junior high school, I did not find this unusual. I have friends as far back as grade school that I still talk to and see from time to time. Facebook has made that easier than it was, but we were still in touch before there ever was a Facebook.

When you are from a small town and you manage to go through grades 1-12 with many of the same people, you form bonds. You have history. They “knew you when”. I also attended a nearby college with several of them. It’s easy to stay friends with the peer group that you shared activities and common values with for decades. We lived in the same neighborhoods. We were in band and drill teams that performed at our school football games. We carpooled and rode bikes together. We know secrets and failings. We have shared our lives.

It makes no difference that some of us stayed and some of us moved away. It doesn’t matter that we have vastly different jobs, families, and interests. We still have those shared moments from long ago that will only leave us when we depart this world. We cheered each other on. We cried when we lost friends to car crashes or cancer or even worse. We’ve known each other from the beginning of what made us who we were to become.

Sure, there are many I’ve lost touch with. There are many who choose not to be in touch. And that’s O.K. But if you were a good person and you grew up with good people, why would you lose that connection? Staying in touch is easier than ever. You don’t even need a stamp or a long distance carrier! A Facebook post or a text keeps you up with what’s going on in each other’s lives and at the very least you are able to connect for the important things like births, deaths, celebrations or sickness.

Why wouldn’t I want to share an evening of wine, pasta, and song with that crazy girl I carpooled with to high school for 3 years after having sat next to her in the junior high band for 4 years before that? We know where we come from and how we got where we are now. 

Nothing takes the place of that.

Moving On...

“Living in the present” is not a new topic for me. I’ve written about it and mentioned it in other entries in this blog. We all know we cannot change the past and trying to do so means that you are actually living in it while ignoring your present and your hope for the future.

My life has been full over the last many months and I haven’t lived up to my goal of trying to write (it’s my own little psychotherapy) once a month. Some moments were happy and some were sad. Just like most of you, my life has more to be grateful for than to be sad about. Very few, if any, reading this page has to worry about a warm place to sleep at night or where their next meal is coming from. Our problems are small and few.

But we all live a bit in our heads. Most of us look back over an event where we didn’t act the way we wanted to, say the thing we wished, or got the response we needed and re-live it too many times wishing it had all happened differently. It’s human nature to want our moments of wit, glory, and happiness all tied up with a pretty ribbon in a scrapbook of memories. Nothing sullied. No egg on our faces or hurt in our hearts. Storybook Heroes are what we wish to be—past, present, and future.

The death of someone significant in your life will absolutely make you move on from any hope of changing the past or seeing it adjusted to a happier place in the future. What I needed acknowledged or just heard will never happen. All the time invested in trying to change those old pages of my Memory Scrapbook to only happy, loving pictures is done. Close the book, file it away.

The lesson here is that the pain in that relationship was useless. Not insignificant, but useless. You might say it helped me find a happier place because the goal was to have no more of that in my life than I already had. But in the big picture, trying to change the past still colored the present. I had so much more to be grateful for than I had to be sad about. Not acknowledging that and living that truth every day was wrong.

A recent birthday puts me in mind of how little time I see in front of me. The list of things to do grows and the time to do them shortens. Moving on. No more Storybook Hero Fantasy for me. Just life, faced with a smile for whatever I’m lucky enough to have come my way.