Turning Fifty

My husband’s big 5-0 is just around the corner.  He’s a few years younger than me and I’ve been a little anxious to get him over the numerical “hump” so that he can legally have his own AARP card and not just an add on from mine.  Last Half Loves need to be on the same “team” don’t you think?

Fifty is definitely a time to reflect. I haven’t heard of anyone that has died in their sixties or seventies recently without thinking that is “so young!” or finding myself doing the math of how “not so much older than me” they were. But life expectancy is a fact and the law of averages confirms that life (especially in the last half) is short.

For me, age has brought actions that would have been much more delayed even just a few years ago.  There is a limit of time all around me that often becomes Marisa Tomei stomping her foot on that southern porch in the movie “My Cousin Vinny” to illustrate her biological clock running out.  My biological clock ran out several years ago but my “life clock” sometimes sounds as loud as a bass drum in a marching band.

Many would argue that none of us know how much time we have left.  But actions speak louder than words  and most of us do not live each day to the fullest while assuming there is no tomorrow.  We can hope—but when your clock has gone past that half-century mark, certainty isn’t what it used to be.

Over the last year, our married life conversations have often found topics that center around short-term goals and making the most of our time together.  This list continues to grow despite the reality of lack of time.

The years before I took the marital plunge were not spent waiting for a spouse to enjoy my life. The same is true for my husband.  We spent our 20’s and 30’s and our 40’s, until we tied the knot, checking off many things on our Life To Do List.  We’ve each traveled and had adventures and enjoyed ourselves.  Our collection of individual experiences is part of our attraction to each other.

But there were things we held back in order to share with our life partner. The goals we knew would be much better as a couple were set on the back burner to simmer until we found our Last Half Love.  That list is long.

We really do check off things regularly.  And although we try to keep living for the moment in our daily thoughts, the sense of urgency to realize that Last Half Love To Do List stays with me constantly.  He’s much better than me taking one day at a time.

I can’t get the list out of my head most days.  The list of things I’ve wanted to share with him didn’t shrink just because we didn’t find each other until the last half of our lives.

What would I delete from the list? I want each and every moment regardless of the reality of time left to accomplish them all.

Or maybe if we keep adding to the To Do List and keep adding to our Memories List as we check them off, we’ll find that this wasn’t the Last Half at all.  Maybe we’ll find an infinite number of tomorrows waiting for us.

I can dream.