Have you ever hurt someone?
Carelessly? Intentionally?
Did you resolve it?
We’ve all read the self-help
books that tell us everything that went wrong in how you were parented and how
that parenting shaped your life. I’ve never journeyed through the minefield
that is “parenting” but I’m sure that all parents make mistakes. That being
said, it was important to me and resolved some issues when a parent said, “I
made mistakes, but I did the best I knew how”. I believed them. Recognizing the
connection with the way they were parented with the parenting of me, I
understood.
As a child, we often don’t even
know how to ask for changes in behavior or apologies. We might say to another
child that has hurt us “Say You’re Sorry!” but the emotional debts we realize
affected and shaped us before we formed into fully-grown adults are not quite
so easily identified when they are happening.
As adults we learn to “say you’re
sorry” quickly to someone we’ve hurt. Break a vase, make an off-color remark,
keep someone waiting and we know to say we are sorry and move on and try to do
better.
Sometimes we aren’t even aware
we’ve hurt someone. It may be more difficult at that moment to say, “I’m sorry”
because we are confused, sad and embarrassed that we were careless and wishing
we had not been so ignorant. But a heartfelt apology, a card, a small token of
appreciation will usually heal the wound and perhaps even make the bond
stronger because the one you’ve hurt realizes that you care enough to hear them
and understand what they felt.
Being “heard” is the basis of
existence. We want to be “heard” by the ones we love specifically and the human
race in general. Great art and music is created so that the artist can be heard
and understood. Expression of our voice and feelings is what having a human
soul is about!
When another human has hurt you
or someone you love and refuses to acknowledge it in any way, it leaves an
emotional debt on the soul. A stain that will not be erased. It colors every
interaction and every moment that would be shared with that debtor. If you’ve
said to them “Say You Are Sorry” like child that has been knocked over in a
playground and you are met with silence, what do you do?
An emotional debt can hang in the
air just like a monetary debt of someone that has the funds to repay you, but
chooses not to do so. If someone has the ability to speak or write and process
thought, an emotional debt can be settled. Choosing not to do so leaves us
feeling unheard, unseen, and unimportant to the debtor.
We are told, “Forgive and
forget—it’s a gift to yourself”. I’ll agree. But only if you can remove
yourself from a debtor that values you so little that they would not
acknowledge the pain they have caused. Forgiving and forgetting is fine if you
are not encouraged to return for more transgressions from the debtor.
For one debtor I have been given
the advice to “quit rehashing” the emotional debts and get over it while being
asked to interact and support and love them. Can you actually “rehash”
something that was never acknowledged? Or is it just you waiting and listening
for a sign that they heard you? I am willing to walk away and “forgive and
forget” as then I’m not put in the position again of having them owe me
emotionally. Forgiving is fine, but forgetting is difficult if it is a pattern
of borrowing emotionally from me over and over.
As my father once said, “Fool me
once…”
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